Bulsha:- Here’s for the woman of my life I adore the most but have never really talked about it to anyone. I guess I have an issue with expressing myself or maybe I have never got the right words to tell her that what she means to me.
She is a simple, thin, fair and fragile looking female with somewhat hazel eyes and blond curly hair. She has hands which show all the hard work she has done during the past years of her existence till now. Feet those show the exact beauty of a married Indian female. She has a heart which can be easily compared to a pomegranate, hard at the first sight but soft and sweet once opened. She has a skin so soft that it’s easy to understand the delicately designed structure of hers. A short height of 5 feet 3 or 4 inches which make her look adorably cute. She has a broad forehead which at times show the lines of tension and anxiety her mind struggles with. She has lips which have a touch of pink and beige together which perfectly compliment her pearl white set of aligned teeth. She is a mysterious woman who is often observed to be an extremist. All of her emotions are on their maximum level, be It crying, caring, laughing, understanding and what not. It’s definitely not easy to understand her, well in my case it took around 21 years.
This woman is a beautiful mess of varied experiences which have been shifting places every now and then. Though not having any uniform, badges, medals or weapons, she is a fighter. At least for me, she is a warrior whose strength and achievements cannot be marked by any sort of trophies. This woman has one of the most difficult lives as compared to others around me. But she, she always stood right in front of her loved ones with a ripped heart ready to fight any situations which may trouble them ever. She lives a life for the loves of her life and that I am undoubtedly sure about.
My mother
Right from the age of 18, she started struggling for her survival not that she suffered from an ailment but because she struggled from a broken heart which literally no one paid attention to. From a disturbed family, she stepped into after getting married to being a victim of domestic violence and emotional abuse this woman has still survived every trauma that came her way. Everything which entered her life was when she was not prepared for it be it her first child. Every woman who hears that she is expecting a baby experiences the happiest moment of her life but for this woman getting the news of her pregnancy was one of the scariest sights she could ever imagine. Not because she did not want to have a child but because she didn’t want her child to be a part of misery that she had been handling.
9 months that seem to be one of the most luxurious time period for a pregnant woman were the hardest for her. The more bad situations came to her, the more scared she got for her baby. She wasn’t even allowed to rest during those days, in fact, her work never decreased. Even after all that she accomplished all her duties in the most amazing manner without missing even a single day. As her delivery date was coming closer, her heart started pacing up. Let me tell you! It wasn’t easy for her. How could it be? She had no emotional support, just a bunch of blood sucking people around her who never missed a chance to make her sad and heartbroken. Who was she fighting with? Her own people. Who was she fighting for? Her baby. What did she want to amend? Her life.
After the entry of her first baby she became even more fragile but also strong at the same time as the only strength of her life was her child and she never wanted all that crap to affect her daughter ever. Time went by and the situations went bad to worst. Her girl was growing and so was the care she had to do for her. Her responsibilities increased at a random pace and with that she started getting immune to all that. Developing a habit of tolerating the hurt is the worst thing that can happen to anyone. It happened to her.
Her daughter was now 8 years old but they hardly got any time together because she was always busy or tangled I must say in the daily chores of her life, pleasing everyone and completing her duties like a pro. Life was not satisfied with a ripping heart of hers and hence, decided to break it one day. The day broke her heart and shattered her soul. The day when she lost her husband. I could see a walking dead woman walking towards me as soon as she heard the news. She had no tears in her eyes, no expression on her face, no ability to walk. This lady wearing a grey suit had the most messed up hair that day. She felt completely lifeless. Why wouldn’t she? She lost the love of her life.
“Time heals everything but the scars remain”. This statement is absolutely true when it comes to her. Her nature changed and so did her behaviour. The battles she had been fighting over the past years started showing the wounds but those were not visible as they were on the inside. Inside her heart. She became one hell of a disturbed female who would get angry at the smallest mistakes of her daughter. She became a drunkard and sipping neat vodka in front of her daughter was something which happened on the daily basis. Often did she get cruel, she used to beat her daughter and thrash her like she never meant anything to her. Her daughter starting drifting apart from her because of all the ill treatment she gave to her. They never got the time to create a bond as she was too busy fixing her broken heart. And because she had no human support with her she went the other way round to completely depend on alcohol. Yet again she tried to stand back on her feet as she was done crawling since years. She started learning how to drive a car, how to work on a computer and one day she got a job. She started figuring out her wishes like wearing cut-sleeve tops, colouring her hair, and everything else she wished for. Well, why wouldn’t she? She was now an independent female and repaired her heart as if she forgot all the torture she had ever experienced.
Days went on like this before she found the strength and courage to fall in love again. Though she hid it as if it was some kind of a sin but her daughter found out and kept it all to her herself as she knew that her mother never wanted to disclose about this phase of hers at least to her teenage daughter. But as nothing ever came easy to her neither did her relationship with this man who accepted her with all her past, flaws and a “Teenage Daughter”. Then one day she got married, it was a simple affair but who cares when the things were falling at the right place. You know at times when you are falling apart; you are actually falling in the right place. The same happened with her I guess.
Struggles still didn’t end for her. She had to adjust in a family which never accepted her at first but soon realised her sincerity towards the new family; they finally accepted her with all their heart. Actually, my word is just not enough to mention every ounce of struggle she did to fall into the right place and so I won’t go on with the story of her life. It’s enough to know that this woman is one of the strongest you’ll ever come across. She has the prettiest eyes which have cried a lot of tears, a smile which hid a lot of frowns and heart which is still strong even after being attacked, repeatedly.
Every time I used to think about her I would develop something new for her. Honestly, it was not always positive. But now as the time passed I am under this new phase and I know it will last forever. A phase where I know by heart that everything she did was just a forceful attempt of her stars to make her do so. It was never her fault. The thrashing she gave to her daughter was because she was the only one this female felt her complete right on for taking out her frustration and easing out later. Though she and her daughter never got any time to understand each other, they both always had the strings attached. The habit of her liquor consumption was just to move a bit away from reality as it had always been too harsh on her. The bad language she talked in was just because of the situations which by the time made her heart soar. It’s not easy to love someone, lose someone, get your heart broken, soul shattered, collect your broken pieces back again, put them into their place, move on and fall in love again. She had the courage to do so all by herself. Life never gave her the opportunity to give any understanding time to her for her own self. She hardly would have realised what age of her life was she into as everything was quick, quick like skipping sand from her hands.
I believe no word in the universe can express the type of lady she is, she is not meant to be described. She is meant to be felt by the heart. Now, I feel what a beautiful person she is. I feel how strong she has been since the start. I feel how hard she has fought. I feel how broken she used to feel. I feel the tears she used to hide. I feel the pain behind her loud laughter. I feel her hands which have served everyone around her. I feel her anxious heart. I feel her tensed mind. I feel her.
I feel her because I am her “Daughter”. I feel her because she is my MOTHER. I feel how lucky I am to have her. I feel the connection we both have. I feel that I am blessed to have been evolved from the womb of such a strong woman. I feel the preciousness of her blood running through my body. I feel every ounce of battles she fought for me. She is my little messed up Goddess. She is my life. She is my “Maa”.
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Xafiiska Shabakada Bulsha
UK- Leicester united kingdom
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